Date: Wed, 25 Feb 1998 15:28:15 EST
To: Multiple recipients of list <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Ibogaine experience in progress
I received the following Ibogaine experience report and asked to pass it on
to the list.
7pm February 23rd. Ingested small amount of Ibogaine Hydrochloride.
Nastiest Taste I have tasted besides Stomach Bile. Actually it tastes
just like Bile. But that is OK. From everything I have read and studied,
I will be in good company with Ibogaine. I am anxious for sure, and
clear on the following: I want to be off of Methadone and all opiates, I
am Ready for a Profound change for the better in my life, and I want to
address the issue of Fear in my life: The Fear of success, the Fear of
abandonment, and my inability to complete things that I set out to do,
which I believe stems from the fear. Or Does It? Perhaps I will know
after meeting the Bwiti. I just hope that I can stomach the rest of the
dose. That would be nicex.
After Taking a shower I am feeling a sense of well being. I feel good. I
am not sure how much Ibogaine I took, perhaps 100-200mgs of the
Hydrochloride. I am now about to take the rest of the dose.
After taking the sample to test alergic reation, I took the remainder of
the dose. Very, VERY bitter. My stomach burned. My chest ached, I think
it was Heart-burn from an upset stomach. I laid down.
I aksed my Guide if he would like to write down the things I said. "I
see the ceiling of that church we were in." It was spinning around like
Sat up, drank water and rinsed out mouth, laid back down. "I'm feeling
pretty nervous. Sweaty Palms. I feel OK, though."
8:17PM "Guide, could you let some fresh air in here?" (I could feel the
radiator pouring dry air across my body, it was very uncomfortable)
8:19PM "I feel some bed spins. It feels like I am rocking back and
forth. It doesn't matter whether my eyes are closed or open. I've lost
my equilibrium. No, its worse when I close my eyes. Heart is Pounding"
8:22PM "It's very uncomfortable"
8:24PM "Spinning. It seems like when I try to slow it down, it just goes
fasterx It feels like I am in some sort of space ship, going through a
tube. Its hard to keep my eyes open because I get too dizzy. It's very
intense. I get a feeling like I'm feeling the earth spinning beneath me.
In Space. It feels like there is a magnet holding my body to the
8:29PM "Traveling thru space. Its getting hard to talk.." at this point
I could see a vapourous glow, burnig off of my body. At first I thought
my soul was burning thru the earth's atmosphere, but then it felt like
It was a cleansing, Toxins leaving my body. I think at this point I was
either told or knew myself that I was "of the light". I had chosen the
light over the darkness. It wasx divine, sacred, colorful, Beautiful
beyond description. I felt/saw/experienced my soul rising thru the eons,
blazing in it's glory and magnificance. I was traveling at an incredible
speed, the stars were blurring past me, it must have been the speed of
light or faster. It was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I was Not on
the earth, although I could feel my physical body weighted down. It was
strange, a seperation. It was Extremely intense, and extremly beautiful.
I was shown many images, from ancient times. Marble structures,
laboratory Equipment, all made of Marble. From pre-history, the time of
the Gods, I thought. I saw things that might have been inspired or
suggested from the Church I visited earlier in the day, but they were
different, visibly divine, sacred, ALIVE. Eminating a life force. I saw
faces, many, many faces. Somehow I knew that they were me. My past
lives. There were many women faces. Of all nationalities and race. It
wasx spiritual, ecstacy, lovingx
I was shown a laboratory where Humans were created. Or perhaps this was
not shown to me but I saw something I had pondered as a possibility,
that Humans were created to serve a race of higher beings as a
subservient race, servants and slaves. To mine for gold and other
precious minerals. I asked very few questions, I was in pain. I asked or
thought "where did all this pain I have come from, I think refering to
this life-time, and I was shown an image of a Dying man, in a hospital
bed, who was in tremendous pain. He wanted to die in peace, with no
Pain. I saw a young boy, reach out to him and in his innocence and
naivity, he took the pain from the man and the man died free of his
pain. I believe that young boy was me, that I had taken, unknowingly,
this incredible pain. I am not sure if it was this lifetime or notx I
asked what happened to the old man, and was told "He won't ever do that
again." This was a disembodied voice relating all this to me. It was a
very graphic and gruesome scene. The old man's pain was very evident.
But I wasn't scared. The boy admired the old man, and looked at him with
compassion and deep love. At some point I saw faces looking down on me,
Tribal compassionate faces, maybe 5 or 6 of them, male and female. They
were african, tribesmen with grey afro hair, and very old, yet with
beautiful complexion of skin. They appeared to be looking over me,
urging me on. That was a threshold, that I was unsure of, and I didn't
go across it. I started to travel thru the stars again, this time I
couldn't tell if it were forward or backward. Also at some point I was
taken to the bowels of the earth, where Humans were enslaved in some
sort of a mine, there was rock and stones and dirt, and I was there,
trying desperately to claw my way out, with bare fingers, even if it
took the rest of my lifex. And I didx I thrust my hand into daylight.
There was more, but it is hard to even begin to articulate what I saw.
8:32PM "I would like my blood prssure checked." Pulse is 110.
8:36PM "Still uncomfortable.These earplugs are strange. They make me
hear everyhting in my body"
8:48PM "Holding. I'm in some sort of a star-base, waiting for something.
I feel very old right now, like I have been around for a LONG time on
earth." I think I was told this, I also think I was told "you are of the
light", but I am not sure if I just knew that. Well, I did know it but
have denied it many many times.
9:00PM "I might Puke"
9:22PM "I am feeling a little better"
9:50PM "I am going to throw up. Yummy. It's just bile." It was very
painfull. I was having my doubts, because of the uncomfortableness,
because I wondered if I could leave my methadone behind me. I considered
at several points taking the antidote, but I had come so far, waited so
long, I had to see this through. There was no turning back.
10:30PM-12:30AM A long period of being very uncomfortable. Images had
passed. I ached. I felt as though I had somehow failed. I imagined that
I was told to go back, that I needed to take care of something. I knew
what it was: Honesty. I had Lied and stolen from some very kind people
in my addiction, and had yet to deal with that. At first I felt
rejected, that I was not allowed a full initiation. It was crushing, and
my doubts returned. I felt darkness. I was scared. At some point I
managed to sit up, for I was extremely uncomfortable. It helped, but it
was very difficult to move. My guide massaged my back, and that felt
good. NOTE: even though I am noting the time periods, I had no
recollection of time at all. My guide wrote down the times of my remarks
and any actions. During this last time period I was extremely nauseous.
1:57AM "Its passingx Finally. It was Really uncomfortable."
2:00AM I began to relate to my guide the things I had experiencedx"I
experienced a certianty that the relationship with my girlfriend and her
son is something I desire very much." I saw myself laying with them
both, in golden light and bliss. I related much more to My Guide, most
Of what I have added in above after the quotation marks. Having a caring
and understanding (one who has been there) is paramount. I am forever
grateful for his kindness.
3:42AM At this point I woke from about 1/2 hour of light sleep. I was
exhausted. Ibogaine is an ordeal, for sure!
4:20AM "Feeling very sore and stiff".
4:50AM I was offered a tangerine, and ate it. It as very very good.
Slowly, everything must be done very slowly.
5:08AM "I thought about the high from heroinx that it was at this point
attractive to me. It always was, but there was no way I could picture
myself putting that shit in my body. No Fucking way.
6:16AM "Humor is very important. The Bwiti have a sense of humor." I
relayed this to my guide because I had recalled getting side tracked
during the imagery portion, and I would stop and question the imagex "Is
this just in my mind, or is someone showing this to me?" when a female
voice came from the Bwiti Tribeswoman "Of course it's in your mindx.
It's all in your mindx" and she trailed off with laughterx It felt good
to hear laughter. There are more things I just cannot articulate. They
defy words. I wish I could share these things with youx they are deep
During the next 18 hours I rested and talked with my guide. I no longer
felt that I had failed anything, that perhaps the focus of this journey
was to eliminate the narcotics from my system. I feel no withdrawl at
this point. At one point I drifted off to sleep, sort ofx and was
visited by my junkie Lover. (In Reality, as I understand it in this
Human form, I have no Junkie Lover. She is a spirit of Darkness.) She
was standing in an alleyway, next to a staircasex typical Junkie digsx
she was xBeautifulx temptingx she held a syringe out to mex"Iwant it"
she said passionately, full of sexullity and want. "Don't you want it
too?x I said" No". I knew I couldn'tx I just couldn't. .. she exclaimed
"WHAT? (with even more passion and beauty) You Used To! You want it,
don't you? Please fix me!" I said no again, and I might have said
something elsex but she drifted away. It was obvious she needed me to
sustain her habit. I cannot describe both the sense of loss, and the
feeling of freedom when I told her "no". But this was a very, very
important part of the process. It was, to me, a symbol of letting go of
my darkness. We all have to say goodbye sometime. I found myself seeing
her again, while wide awake, in my minds eye, beckoning mex I was then
compelled to tell her, in love, "Good bye. Good Luck. May you find your
Light." I was overcome with emotion, and very, very thankful. Still
Feeling NO withdrawl. It was a wonderous, divine, sacred experience. I
now question many things I percieved as truth, and now see them as
perhaps illusion, a misunderstanding, convoluted version of the Human
Truth. I know thatx I am eternal. And that Beauty beyond my wildest
imagination awaits me. But first I have things to acomplish. Ibogaine is
a very special substancex it was worth the wait, the aggravation, the
expense, the anxiety, the pain, the suffering. At least for today it is.
It is Wednesday now, nearly 72 hours since I lat took any Methadone. I
feel very weak, but I am not experiencing any withdrawl sypmtoms, other
than a sensitive stomach, but is is always sensitive. I am weary and